anyway, some items of interest:
ART A LA RUE
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
Monday, 8 December 2008
Friday, 5 December 2008
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a-salted.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation's broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."
Found at The Onion.com
Found at The Onion.com