Friday, 5 December 2008
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a-salted.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".